The Power of Numbing
Numbing our emotions gets a bad rap these days. We’re supposed to feel our feelings so we can process and let go of them. Numbing is just a way to opt out of those feelings and auto-pilot through some other activity that distracts us from them. It’s, like, so unevolved.
But sometimes, numbing is exactly what we need.
The crucial distinction between unevolved numbing and productive numbing is self-awareness. Are you aware that you’re numbing, or not?
Take this morning, for example.
It’s 9am. We’re in quarantine. Kitchen’s a mess. Breakfasts are half-eaten. My 2 1/2 year old has somehow gotten herself up onto the counter and found the spray button on the sink faucet. Water is spraying onto my cabinets and counters, and then onto me as I sprint to the rescue. I’ve been up since 4:05am with my six-year old who woke up with a bad dream. Half of my coffee is still in the mug, abandoned mid-sip to change a dirty diaper and make my 9-year old breakfast some hours earlier. Homeschooling duties are calling my name, but the kids want nothing to do with it today. Did I even eat breakfast? And where did my folded pile of laundry go?
I take a deep breath, which does relatively little to calm my overexcited nervous system, that seems never to get a break anymore. A little voice inside my head tells me that I’m feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and even a little violated. What happened to my boundaries? Why don’t these small creatures respect my need for space and breathing room? When can I stop taking care of everyone else?
I decide: right now. Right fucking now.
Once the water is cleaned and the children are safe on the floor, I move myself into the living room which has now become the catch-all area for homeschool, work, exercise, and crumbs.
My body is still on overdrive as the thoughts zoom in and out and around my brain, feeling all the feelings but unable to slow down enough to process them, these days and weeks of constant caregiving and trying to hold onto my identity at the same time and what if they let us out too early and we have to do this all over again and….
In my pajama pants and t-shirt, I flip open my laptop and resume an online workout that I’d started yesterday and never got to finish. I don’t bother changing clothes, I don’t fill my water bottle first, I just go all in because I am intentionally numbing out, I am choosing this.
I work out for about 10 minutes, still on overdrive, until the sweat is pouring down my face and my breathing is forceful enough to make me feeling something other than the anxiety.
And slowly, this calms me down.
Because through the squats and pulses, I start to hear myself think. I have checked out of my reality long enough to be able to re-enter it. My mind is clearer and more open. I realize that I dove head-first into a numbing state, but that is exactly what I needed to do to arrive at this point of self-reflection.
When we take the time to check-out of our situation, we allow ourselves space. And sometimes numbing is a perfectly reasonable way to create that space, especially for those of us who haven’t yet achieved Buddha-like responses to stress. But I’ve taken enough mindfulness courses to know that we must choose our numbing agents carefully and responsibly, so that we don’t end up with a second arrow — the regret of a circumstance meant to anesthetize another circumstance.
From this vantage point, I can resume my life. I saw my anxiety and processed it with an informed choice. I know I have some work to do today — I know I might need to ask for more moments of solitude, or get out for a walk, or simply let some tasks go for the time being. I know I’ll have to pay closer attention to my emotions lest they beckon me to numb out all the live long day. But my numb-outs are evolved enough to act as a signal; I know when they’re happening and I know what they mean.
And it helps me get through the day.
